because I can’t stop thinking about you.

it’s funny how I can’t stop thinking about you even during my most sleepy moment.
remembered how badly I sourced out for ways to put you to sleep, easily. yes, without the use of the nips (poor baba and nenek la). So when you succeeded sleeping to this beautiful song, I’m more than happy.

Ya hanana, yes we are very lucky.


coffee & milkshake promises

dear alawiyah,

today i promised you that we would visit the library, have coffee & milkshake by the bookstore and sing to the sun just so it would rain cats & dog. i’m sorry, housework chores are majorly irritating me to the maximum level that i have to break each of our promises. 😦 sorry la, ibu is busy almost everyday. but to have you with me the whole day, put smiles on my tired and exhausted face.

lunch was fun. we had chicken (huge huge huge ones!) and plain boring porridge. you are growing too fast, baby! you used to depend only on my golden milk but now, you wash down your meals with my milk instead. i feel so not appreciated but oh wells, that means you are growing BIG!
best motivation for today was when you show signs of jealousy and the great determination to crawl. you are doing it, oh so slowly. really, bubu i dont mind you being slow in your development you are special. you can take the whole life time to do each special and important development you are no genius. you are damn special. at least you are talking too much. yes, those baby talks which i hardly understand or i choose to pretend to understand.

dear bubu, please control your temper when i am not around you. you got to learn that ibu have to work for your beautiful room. i need to work for our future. remember, we are going to the big L soon. we need the moolah for it. we need to save up for your education and you should jolly know that Singapore is all about moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooney!
dear bubu, i will try my very best to bring you out tmr.


(u merajok with me)

(whats with you and remote control?)





lately, Alawiyah would sweat even in the super cold room. and her sweat smell so masam!! but this masam-ness makes me feel so woohoo! U won’t understand what I’m talking about anyway. 😋


so tell me, is this motherhood?

the little chicken

the little chicken

 today, you make me realise the importance of being by your side 24/7. sometimes  i feel that you don’t just need me but i need you as well. you were struggling with me while nursing to sleep. yes, dear child. i had to feed you while looking at the wall clock. it’s already 8pm and you are still weeping away. you knew i am leaving you to your grandparents for work. you knew that your dad won’t be at home any time soon (as though it make any difference) and you knew you just wanted to be by my side and have those nips in your mouth. yes, you need me for comfort and i need you for the warmth.

i had to let you hold onto my uniform just so you could calm your tantrum down. the moment your eyelid closed, you would quickly opened it up. dear child, ibu is going to work not to war. dear child, as much as i want to be a stay home mom i need to work so i could send you off to school and give you awesome food as well as a home to stay. we are no millionaire. we need to work our ass off in Singapore to survive.

So, singing you to sleep no longer works. I had to soothe you down with my clothes. Dear god, please save me from this emotional rollercoaster. Seeing you finally give into the struggle, you finally slept with my uniform still attached onto your small hand. today, i officially hates night shift. i don’t give a shit about the money. i love you, i am sorry for not being by your side tonight. but i promise, a swim on thursday to make up for tonight.

dear alawiyah,

i love you alot.

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my little warrior turns 6months and I wonder how could that be.

6months ago, I woke up to a non moving fetus. I had the bad cramps and was having bad diarrhea. Kept thinking that maybe, just maybe you are tired and was zonked out in me. Walked around the hse and kept munching things. By 12, I was urinating like a mad woman and still the tummy ache perceive. What do you expect? I was not due till 3 weeks later.
Called nenek to inform her only to hear her screaming at me saying that’s the sign of labour. Oh, so this is labour pain? Did my own cervix check and nearly died!! 2cm dilated and I didn’t even know!!

Oh dear Tia, I swear I thought I am losing you cause you didn’t even move still. Called your daddy and begged him to bring me to the hospital. Oh, I have yet pack our stuff. Did I mention that your daddy had a big fight with me? He kept insisting that I am just wasting my time going to the hospital cause it would be another fake labour! Who am I kidding!!? I’m the one with the bloody huge tummy with a baby who hardly moves a day!!

The moment I reached the labor ward, I was again strapped around with all the irritating machines (call me a nurse but I hate machines!!) Midwives swarmed around me asking me questions. And dear vagina had to be probed. And oh, your dearest mommy is super 5cm dilated and my baby dear you are breeched! Why Alawiyah? Why? Why must you be breeched? Why can’t you follow my birth plan? Why can’t you simply slide out of my vagina? I want you normally! We practice this in my dream remember? With the water bag leaking by the minute, we were told that I needed an emergency csection.
Me and my lack of knowledge on labour (and call myself a nurse? and I thought I knew everything but I was damn wrong! I’m a medical nurse not a gynecology nurse!!!).

Dear Tia, you should have seen your daddy white face when dear Dr Tee says that I needed to be cut opened. I kept quiet and swearing to myself. Did I do something wrong till I have to be urgently cut open? It’s like asking someone else to mutilate your body when you could jolly well do it!

Yes Tia, your dearest mummy had to go through a series of mental torture before having you. Lets not even begin how the operation started and ended cause all I remember was when they badly tugged you out of my stomach and says that you are gorgeous!
That’s all matter, baby! You little warrior with that umbilical cord around your neck. You little warrior who refuse to listen to my awesome birth plan( one that requires pushing and tearing my vagina). You little warrior cause you save your parents marriage. You little warrior, I love you for being yourself and pushing all odds to be here with me 3 weeks earlier.

So, if you are slow in your own development it’s ok baby. It’s because you are special. I don’t give a damn anymore cause you are mine forever now.