so tell me, is this motherhood?

the little chicken

the little chicken

 today, you make me realise the importance of being by your side 24/7. sometimes  i feel that you don’t just need me but i need you as well. you were struggling with me while nursing to sleep. yes, dear child. i had to feed you while looking at the wall clock. it’s already 8pm and you are still weeping away. you knew i am leaving you to your grandparents for work. you knew that your dad won’t be at home any time soon (as though it make any difference) and you knew you just wanted to be by my side and have those nips in your mouth. yes, you need me for comfort and i need you for the warmth.

i had to let you hold onto my uniform just so you could calm your tantrum down. the moment your eyelid closed, you would quickly opened it up. dear child, ibu is going to work not to war. dear child, as much as i want to be a stay home mom i need to work so i could send you off to school and give you awesome food as well as a home to stay. we are no millionaire. we need to work our ass off in Singapore to survive.

So, singing you to sleep no longer works. I had to soothe you down with my clothes. Dear god, please save me from this emotional rollercoaster. Seeing you finally give into the struggle, you finally slept with my uniform still attached onto your small hand. today, i officially hates night shift. i don’t give a shit about the money. i love you, i am sorry for not being by your side tonight. but i promise, a swim on thursday to make up for tonight.

dear alawiyah,

i love you alot.



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